I admit, since having kids I'm not always clued in to the popular music these days. I don't want to have to listen to kid music all day, so when the kids are in the care I put on Christian music (Air1 to be exact). A new song by Francesca Battistelli really struck a cord with me the other day. The chorus goes:
I don't need my name in lights,
I'm famous in my Father's eyes.
Make no mistake,
He knows my name.
I'm not living for applause,
I'm already so adored.
It's all His stage.
He knows my name.
There are a variety of reasons why the words touched me so much. Yes, I am singer, but it actually isn't about not being famous musically. It's all about finding my worth in others' opinions of me.
The Naperville Marathon and Half Marathon are this weekend. Back in June, I signed up to run the marathon. I signed up for me, not to impress anyone. As I started my training in July I was already beginning to develop Achilles tendinitis in my left leg. As typical fashion for me, I have a high pain tolerance, so I just ignored the pain and pushed through it. With no rest, no icing, and gradually increasing mileage, the pain just got worse...and moved to other parts of my body. I got to the point where I had IT Band issues in my right leg (not Runner's Knee, but up in my hip where the IT Band inserts) that I couldn't lift my kids, walk up stairs, or even sit comfortably. I took a week off, saw my chiropractor, etc. but it wasn't enough. I altered my training plans, but eventually realized during a super painful run toward the end of September that I wasn't going to be able to run the marathon. It wasn't worth pushing through another 1 & 1/2 months of training and not being able to play with my kids because of pain. So, a day before the deadline to switch, I switched to the Half Marathon. The sense of relief was huge. But, what I didn't expect was the emotional struggle hidden underneath...even though I was doing the marathon for "me," letting people know I was only doing the Half (only -- it's still 13.1 miles!) was very humbling for me. I'm naturally competitive and I kept feeling like I was giving up or wasn't good enough...or that people would think less of me. Then I came across that song. "I'm not living for applause, I'm already so adored." It was my prayer and the desire of my heart. What race I run doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if I run a race at all. I am so adored by God as I am.
I don't need to be a professional singer, I don't need to be an amazing athlete, I don't need to be the perfect size, the perfect wife, or the perfect mom. I AM ADORED BY GOD.
Check out this video for "He Knows My Name." It's a little bit long, but totally worth it:
Those days that I find myself looking for others' approval or beating myself on, I play this song loudly in my car and sing it at the top of my lungs to remind me:
He calls me chosen, free, forgiven,
wanted, child of the King,
His forever, held in treasure...
I am loved.
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