I've come to the revelation that I don't love people (other than my family, which I love fiercely). I'm not trying to be funny and I'm not being mean. I care for people and I genuinely show love and care, but deep down in my sinful, deprived soul, I don't truly love people. Let me explain...
I've been hurt a lot by friendships. Numerous times I have let my guard down and tried to be real, just to have those people walk away from me for no reason. So I've put up walls and guarded my heart. I'll share only what is safe, but I struggle to be vulnerable and real. Years ago I went to counseling to help me with being more vulnerable (and my perfectionist nature). I grew a lot and after about a year, I connected with my future husband and allowed my walls to come down. I praise the Lord for him and allowing me to be real. My husband is a gift from God, but I still struggle with my female friendships.
Guy friendships always seem to be easier to me. Maybe it was the ability to talk sports or theology...or maybe it's the lack of drama ;), but I have always enjoyed my male friendships. Of course, as a married woman, I can't have those types of relationships that I did in college, etc. and I'm okay with it. The problem is that I have such a tough time with female relationships.
A few years ago, I volunteered as a Bible Study leader for our Women's Bible Study at church. At our first leadership meeting, I remember someone saying, "you are all here because you have a heart for women." I felt my heart sink and I started shifting in my seat. Why? Because I don't have a heart for women. When I hear about women's groups, etc. I often want to roll my eyes and run far away. I don't want the drama. I don't want people to know what's going on in my life. I don't want to feel judged. I don't want to be hurt again.
You see, I don't love people because of the fear in my heart -- the fear that I will just get hurt if I let people too close. I let my guard down when my daughter was a baby with someone who had a child around the same age and let her guard down with me. I allowed myself to be vulnerable and we developed a good friendship. One day, she confessed how she had judged me, but I let it go. Our kids played together all the time, but then slowly, she stopped getting our kids together and started avoiding me. I don't know what happened and it has broken me again. When I see her, I smile and talk as if it's no big deal, but inside I am completely crushed.
I've found my walls coming up again. Yes, I have friends and people I care about, but I'm afraid to let my guard down with a friendship again. I'm afraid of being rejected. You see, the women who have walked away from our friendships have never told me why. There was never a fight or argument. They just suddenly excused themselves from me. I've come to believe that it must be me -- my personality, things I've said, my sinful nature, etc.
It's easy for me and my introvert nature to just not care anymore. To keep to myself and share only what I feel won't get me hurt. To keep friendships superficial and not really go any deeper or put myself out there. But that's not who God created me to be.
God calls us to love people. Jesus loved those who would beat him, curse him, and crucify him. Jesus loved those who were outcasts and needy, like me. Jesus loves me even when I don't spend time with him or try to live life without him. I've treated my relationship with Jesus the same way those women treated their friendship with me. But Jesus still loves me. He truly, deeply, unconditionally loves me and forgives me. He doesn't hold my actions against me. With all he has done for me, how can I not love the people he loves and has called me to love?
I don't expect this to be an easy or painless effort, but I want to love people the way God has called me to. I want to learn to forgive and to be real. I want to be free of the anger and hurt and bitterness that I hold onto to shield me from the attacks of others. I want to be able to trust again. Honestly, the thought terrifies me and I'm not sure where to start...
Father God, forgive me for not loving others as you love me. Forgive me for allowing my hurts and pain to matter more that the people you care for. You loved me enough to die for me on the cross, even while knowing I would hurt you and betray you. Help me to love. Help me to forgive. Help me to be free.
I love these words from "How Can It Be" by Lauren Daigle:
I've been hiding
Afraid I've let you down, inside I doubt
That You could love me
But in Your eyes there's only grace now.
You plead my cause
You right my wrongs
You break my chains
You overcome
You gave your life
To give me mine
You say that I am free
How can it be
How can it be
Though I fall, You can make me new
From this death I will rise with You
Oh the grace reaching out for me
How can it be
How can it be
I've been hurt a lot by friendships. Numerous times I have let my guard down and tried to be real, just to have those people walk away from me for no reason. So I've put up walls and guarded my heart. I'll share only what is safe, but I struggle to be vulnerable and real. Years ago I went to counseling to help me with being more vulnerable (and my perfectionist nature). I grew a lot and after about a year, I connected with my future husband and allowed my walls to come down. I praise the Lord for him and allowing me to be real. My husband is a gift from God, but I still struggle with my female friendships.
Guy friendships always seem to be easier to me. Maybe it was the ability to talk sports or theology...or maybe it's the lack of drama ;), but I have always enjoyed my male friendships. Of course, as a married woman, I can't have those types of relationships that I did in college, etc. and I'm okay with it. The problem is that I have such a tough time with female relationships.
A few years ago, I volunteered as a Bible Study leader for our Women's Bible Study at church. At our first leadership meeting, I remember someone saying, "you are all here because you have a heart for women." I felt my heart sink and I started shifting in my seat. Why? Because I don't have a heart for women. When I hear about women's groups, etc. I often want to roll my eyes and run far away. I don't want the drama. I don't want people to know what's going on in my life. I don't want to feel judged. I don't want to be hurt again.
You see, I don't love people because of the fear in my heart -- the fear that I will just get hurt if I let people too close. I let my guard down when my daughter was a baby with someone who had a child around the same age and let her guard down with me. I allowed myself to be vulnerable and we developed a good friendship. One day, she confessed how she had judged me, but I let it go. Our kids played together all the time, but then slowly, she stopped getting our kids together and started avoiding me. I don't know what happened and it has broken me again. When I see her, I smile and talk as if it's no big deal, but inside I am completely crushed.
I've found my walls coming up again. Yes, I have friends and people I care about, but I'm afraid to let my guard down with a friendship again. I'm afraid of being rejected. You see, the women who have walked away from our friendships have never told me why. There was never a fight or argument. They just suddenly excused themselves from me. I've come to believe that it must be me -- my personality, things I've said, my sinful nature, etc.
It's easy for me and my introvert nature to just not care anymore. To keep to myself and share only what I feel won't get me hurt. To keep friendships superficial and not really go any deeper or put myself out there. But that's not who God created me to be.
God calls us to love people. Jesus loved those who would beat him, curse him, and crucify him. Jesus loved those who were outcasts and needy, like me. Jesus loves me even when I don't spend time with him or try to live life without him. I've treated my relationship with Jesus the same way those women treated their friendship with me. But Jesus still loves me. He truly, deeply, unconditionally loves me and forgives me. He doesn't hold my actions against me. With all he has done for me, how can I not love the people he loves and has called me to love?
I don't expect this to be an easy or painless effort, but I want to love people the way God has called me to. I want to learn to forgive and to be real. I want to be free of the anger and hurt and bitterness that I hold onto to shield me from the attacks of others. I want to be able to trust again. Honestly, the thought terrifies me and I'm not sure where to start...
Father God, forgive me for not loving others as you love me. Forgive me for allowing my hurts and pain to matter more that the people you care for. You loved me enough to die for me on the cross, even while knowing I would hurt you and betray you. Help me to love. Help me to forgive. Help me to be free.
I love these words from "How Can It Be" by Lauren Daigle:
I've been hiding
Afraid I've let you down, inside I doubt
That You could love me
But in Your eyes there's only grace now.
You plead my cause
You right my wrongs
You break my chains
You overcome
You gave your life
To give me mine
You say that I am free
How can it be
How can it be
Though I fall, You can make me new
From this death I will rise with You
Oh the grace reaching out for me
How can it be
How can it be
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